I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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