You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
