I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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