everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
