the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
