I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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