I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
