I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
