Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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