I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I currently don't understand fingers.
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