I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
