for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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