I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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