i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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