I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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