Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
