Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
