My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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