My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
