Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
