i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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