george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
