i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
cat food counts as protein by the way
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
