there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
