Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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