This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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