i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
