TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
