my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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