I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
