that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
