Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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