I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
