When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
