It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
