"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
