True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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