You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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