But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
