someone threw a dead crab at me
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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