btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize
