My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
