I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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