I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
