dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
