just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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