Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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