as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
