I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
