kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
