She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
