i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Panties = found
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
