I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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